The way we resolve conflict in the workplace often reflects our early childhood experiences. People tend to handle disagreements with one of four conflict styles at work: competing, avoiding, accommodating, or collaborating.
(Thomas and Killman originally proposed 5 styles, but I find four is enough for most situations!)
Here I’ll share examples of how people perceive and respond to conflict using the four main conflict management styles. You’ll also learn how to be more intentional about resolving conflict at work – particularly with co-workers or managers that have a different style than yours.
The Competitive Conflict Style
Characteristics of a Competing Style
People with a competitive conflict style:
- Aren’t afraid of conflict
- Like to “win” arguments
- Believe there’s a right or wrong to most situations
- Want to convince the other person that their view is right
- Often seem aggressive
- Fail to hear the other person’s point of view
- Aren’t exercising empathy
Example of a Competitive Conflict Style
Jyoti is a young lawyer with a sharp intellect and strong ambitions. Her clients would say that is tireless in fighting for them in court.
In the law office, Jyoti organizes lunch-and-learns for colleagues and clients. Her colleague Brad agreed to speak about copyright issues a few months ago, but now wants to present on accessibility.
Jyoti reacts with anger when Brad tells her his intention. Throughout the week she sends daily emails reiterating her frustration that he is letting down the quality of the lunch-and-learns. If Brad doesn’t reply to the emails, Jyoti comes to his office to make her point in person.
Brad finally agrees to speak on copyright, but he’s decided not to participate in the Lunch-and-Learn program again.
Advantages of Using a Competing Style
A competitive approach is appropriate when you’re trying to out-maneuver a competing business, overcome marketplace challenges, or win a court case.
It’s also valuable in situations where you need to take immediate action.
People in leadership roles in competitive workplaces may need to be assertive and persuasive to get their points across.
Disadvantages of using a Competing Style
In the example above, Brad is so frustrated with Jyoti’s aggressive attempts to persuade him that he decides to give in for now, but avoid working with her in future.
Using a competitive approach comes with a high risk of damaging relationships.
In addition, when a person focuses solely on winning, they’re likely to miss seeing alternative solutions and perspectives.
If You Have a Competing Conflict Style
You probably learned to handle conflict this way by observing others earlier in your life or career. It may even have been an advantage in previous situations. If it’s not an advantage now, you can adapt your approach.
Recognize what you’re losing when you focus only on winning:
- Alternative solutions that may be as good or better than yours.
- Valuable relationships with clients and colleagues
- Respect in the workplace
What you can do
If you are competitive in arguments or have a habit of interrupting others while they are speaking, practice:
- Slow, deep breathing.
- Listening without interruption.
- Listening to the emotion beneath the words rather than debating each point.
If You Work with a Competitive Person
Interacting with a person who has a competitive style can be stressful. The next time you find yourself on the receiving end of an aggressive argument, take these steps.
- Listen to the competitive person.
- Summarize and paraphrase their request or position.
- Say: “Now that I have understood your point of view, I’d like you to listen to mine. Are you willing to hear me without interrupting?”
- When you finish sharing, ask: “What do you understand from what I said?”
The Avoiding Conflict Style
Characteristics of an Avoiding Conflict Style
A person who uses an Avoidant Style:
- Seems withdrawn
- Delays or avoids responding
- Diverts attention from the conflict
- Suppresses emotion
- Is inaccessible on email, or for meetings
- Pretends nothing is wrong until they explode
- Reacts with silence
- Appears to agree but doesn’t follow through
- Is unavailable for meetings or conversations
Causes of an Avoiding Conflict Style
People who avoid conflict have often had adverse experiences with conflict in the past. They may experience fear, anxiety, and stress when faced with conflict.
Example of Avoiding Conflict
Trevor’s manager reacts to most problems by shouting and swearing. The manager would say he’s just venting and not angry at anyone in particular, but Trevor dreads these outbursts.
Recently, he and his manager have been copied into a lot of emails about issues with a project. He can tell when his manager opens each email by the swearing that erupts from his office.
At work, Trevor handles this trying to deal with each issue as quickly as possible, so that his manager has less to be angry about. At home, Trevor has a short fuse, erupting whenever the kids make noise or his wife asks him “too many” questions. He’s been getting heart palpitations, and waking up a lot during the night.
Advantages of Avoiding Conflict
It’s best to avoid conflict when your physical safety is at risk.
You should also avoid addressing conflict when you’re emotionally charged. Wait until you’ve calmed down, and can trust yourself to approach the situation more collaboratively.
Disadvantages of Avoiding Conflict
The main problem with avoiding conflict is that the conflict doesn’t go away; in many cases, it worsens.
At best, the person avoiding conflict ends up doing more than their share and increasingly feels resentful. Often a conflict avoider take out their frustrations on their families, or by engaging in unhealthy behaviour, such as drinking or eating too much.
Avoiding conflict with a competitive person may draw increased abuse or bullying.
What to Do if You Have an Avoiding Conflict Style
Recognize that you may be avoiding conflict because of unprocessed experiences from your past. The trouble is that suppressed emotions from our past often complicate relationships in the present, making conflict seem worse than it is.
Messages from the Body
Notice how your body reacts to conflict, or when you imagine confronting a colleague about an issue.
Unpleasant emotions like sadness, fear, anger, hurt, disappointment, or frustration often have a constrictive quality. When we repress them, this energy often gets stored in our muscles: shoulders, neck, our jaw (teeth clenching or grinding). We can also trap emotions in the nervous system, causing digestive issues or other illnesses.
Expressing Emotions Safely
Here are some activities that can help you feel more comfortable with conflict.
- Meditation, yoga and journaling increase your awareness of emotions and physical responses that you may be ignoring.
- Use cardio exercise and stretching to release muscle tension.
- Engage in breathing practices that harmonize the nervous system. For example, take a few long, slow deep breaths to help calm the nerves, slow your heart rate and access all parts of your brain.
- Try somatic practices, such as Yoga,to restore balance between the mind and body.
Over time, you’ll find it easier to separate emotions that stem from the past from those directly related to the present conflict.
What to Do if You Work with a Conflict Avoider
Ask open-ended questions in a sincere and gentle tone. This helps conflict avoiders express their concerns in a way that feels safe.
Examples of Open-Ended Questions
- What are you thinking right now?
- How do you feel about your work these days?
- I’m noticing a change in your expression as I talk about bringing [another colleague] on to this project. I’d like to know what you think they might bring or not bring to the project?
The Accommodating Conflict Style
Characteristics of the Accommodating Style
A person who uses an accommodating approach:
- Seems agreeable and supportive
- Gives in to arguments
- Always says ‘Yes’ to requests
- Is very concerned about maintaining relationships
- Values approval from others
- Wants to fit in and conform with group opinion
Causes of the Accommodating Conflict Style
Similar to a person who avoids conflict, an accommodating person probably experienced negative outcomes from conflict while growing up, or earlier in their career. Subconsciously, they decided that it was safer to agree with the other person or work around difficulties than to confront them.
An Example of Handling Conflict by Accommodating
On Friday, Linh’s boss asks her to create a presentation for a meeting early Monday morning. Since Linh has other deadlines today, she’ll have to find time to do this on the weekend.
On Monday night, Linh’s boss texts her at 8pm to ask about some numbers in the presentation. Linh logs into the company website and texts her back with the information. On Wednesday evening at 6, Linh’s boss texts to find out which staff will be attending a conference next week. Linh checks her email and sends her boss the list.
Linh’s husband is frustrated that Linh regularly interrupts their evening activities with work. devices at the dinner table. Linh wants her boss to know that she has everything under control.
Advantages
Using an accommodating approach can be useful at the beginning of a relationship when you are trying to establish trust and camaraderie.
If a relationship is balanced – when both parties engage in this kind of generosity – accommodating isn’t necessarily a problem. You might choose to be accommodating when the consequences to you are minor.
Disadvantages
When one person has more power over the other – as in the example with Linh and her boss – accommodating can become a problem. This is also true when one person defaults to accommodating and the other is a competitive type.
The danger is that small requests may evolve into increasingly time-consuming demands. Eventually the accommodating person becomes overwhelmed and resentful. When they finally have to say No to a request, the boss or competitive person may feel the person is difficult or selfish.
What to Do If You Have an Accommodating Conflict Style
Recognize the fears you may have about disappointing others. In instances of conflict, ask yourself what’s at stake if you say No. What are you worried will happen? Is this realistic?
Notice how you feel after saying “Yes” to requests. Are you totally comfortable, or do you feel some fear or even resentment about agreeing?
Acknowledge that the first time you set boundaries or say No, it will feel scary. This doesn’t mean that saying No was a bad choice – only that setting a boundary may be triggering old fears of disapproval or abandonment.
Practicing Boundaries: Saying No
Here are some scripts to try in common situations.
“I’d like to help you with that, but that means I won’t be able to finish X and Y. Which would you like me to prioritize?”
“Got your text. I’ll send you the info when I’m back in the office.”
“I’m not available in the evenings.”
Working with Someone Who is Accomodating
It might seem like a dream to have an accommodating employee or co-worker. But if the person is building up resentment, or not sharing their honest opinion for fear of consequences, it’s a problem.
Try saying:
“Does this deadline work for you?”
“Are there any problems I’m not considering with this project? Please let me know, because I’d like to be sure I’m considering all the angles.”
The Collaborating Conflict Style
Characteristics of a Collaborating Conflict Style
A person with a collaborating conflict style:
- Openly share their views and any challenges they’re experiencing
- Doesn’t offer a solution immediately
- Invites others to share their views and challenges
- Prioritizes finding creative solutions
- Values relationship
Example of a Collaborating Style
Nived’s quarterly report is due at the end of the week. But onboarding three new employees has taken so much time this week that he doesn’t think he’ll be able to finish in time.
He decides to tell his boss that he’s worried about meeting the deadline. After listening, Nived’s boss says that what she really needs by Friday are the monthly sales totals. She suggests that Nived send her this data from the spreadsheet, and take care of the rest of the report the following week.
Advantages of Managing Conflict by Collaborating
There are several advantages to solving workplace conflict using a collaborative style:
- Expressing your needs avoids resentment later.
- Colleagues feel valued when they are included in problem-solving.
- Considering multiple viewpoints often leads to better solutions overall.
Disadvantages
A collaborative style doesn’t work when:
- It’s necessary to take action quickly
- Safety (physical or emotional) could be compromised
- When the other party is abusive and unable/unwilling to collaborate
How to Use A Collaborating Style
A collaborating style only works when both parties are open to considering new options and viewpoints. While it can be tempting to present a “good compromise” at the beginning of the discussion, this is not collaborating.
- Start the discussion by stating the facts of the problem and then express your concerns.
- Ask the other person if they agree with your summary of the problem.
- Invite them to share possible solutions that would solve the problem and address your concerns.
In the example, Nived starts by expressing concern about meeting an upcoming deadline. Instead of immediately asking for an extension, he leaves space for his boss to offer an alternative solution that also meets her needs.
In this case, she needed only a small section of the report immediately. But if she had needed the entire report, she might have suggested other alternatives, such as assigning another employee to onboard new staff, or to take over the report this month.
Collaborating means that you don’t arrive with your own solution. Instead, you arrive with a problem and leave space for everyone involved to come up with solutions.
Handling Multiple Conflict Styles at Work
Working relationships begin to fall apart when the stress of conflict creates a gap. There might only be a small gap in understanding or in agreement. But if neither has the skills to bridge the gap, it feels enormous. Unfortunately, that sense of estrangement from one another can widen with time.
Approach Conflict with Curiosity
Make an effort to observe your own approach to conflict. Is it competing, avoiding, or accommodating? Do you collaborate? As much as possible, try to make this observation without passing judgment. Remember that you probably learned to default to this style because it was advantageous to you in early life.
Bring the same curiosity to your colleagues. What kind of conflict style do they use? What emotions might be at play for them? While you can’t change their style, understanding it can help you work with their style more skillfully.
Use somatic (body-based) tools to increase your self-awareness. Mindfulness practices can help you to notice emotions that arise in conflict before you react. Over time, this will help you to change your habitual responses.
Practicing Conflict Management
Managing conflict is a skill that takes practice. At first, it feels awkward and uncomfortable. As you continue to practice, it gets easier and feels more natural.
Conflict doesn’t disappear once we get skillful in handling conflict. However, it becomes less stressful.
When we accept conflict as a normal part of human relationships, conflict can be an opportunity to clarify where there is confusion and generate appreciation for diversity and variety. Instead of signifying a breakdown in a relationship, conflict can widen perspective, create understanding and enhance relationships.
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