Giving negative feedback at work can feel very uncomfortable. But when you have to give performance reviews, or a colleague’s habits are affecting your work, you can’t avoid it. So how do you give negative feedback at work without damaging relationships?
Use these seven simple communication skills to give constructive criticism without making enemies:
- I statements
- Observe
- Clarify
- De-personalize
- Relate
- Appreciate
- Non-verbal cues
Read on for the “how tos” of giving negative feedback constructively.
7 Tips for Giving Negative Feedback
Use I Statements
Use “I Statements” rather than “You Statements.” You may have heard this advice before and wondered what difference it makes.
Starting sentences with “I” challenges you to take responsibility for your feelings in a situation. Consider the difference between “I feel angry” and “You made me angry.”
Another reason is that starting critical conversations with “you” sounds like an attack. Before you’ve even finished your sentence, the other person is feeling defensive.
Examples of You Statements
“You’re too loud.”
“You don’t think about anyone but yourself.”
“You didn’t do what I asked.”
A person’s natural response to attack is to defend themselves. Instead of feeling open to finding solutions or changing their behaviour, they may deny a problem exists or put the blame back on you.
Examples of I statements
“I can’t concentrate when you’re talking loudly on the phone.”
“I felt embarrassed to be copied into that email.”
“I’m wondering why the report isn’t finished.”
“I statements” invite the other person to consider how their behaviour makes you feel. Sharing your feelings first extends an olive branch in what might be an awkward conversation. They have a chance to say that they weren’t aware that their behaviour was having this effect.
Usually, it’s more difficult for the other person to argue back about an I statement. After all, you’re the only one who knows if you’re finding it hard to concentrate or how you felt about that email.
How NOT to Make I Statements
Don’t use your “I statement” as a sneaky way to assign blame. The point is taking responsibility for your feelings.
For example: “I can’t stand the way you talk to clients.” “I’m shocked you’d write such a thoughtless email.”
Both start with “I.” But they still come out as attacks, blaming the other person for your feelings.
Responding well to attacking statements
Sometimes the other person will try to deny your feelings in an effort to defend themselves.
They might say say you’re being too sensitive, or that an event shouldn’t make you feel angry or embarrassed.
Statements like this are dismissive. Handle them by drawing attention to them.
“When you call me sensitive, I actually feel more upset.”
“What’s the point of telling me not to feel embarrassed when I do?”
Observe, Don’t Judge
Share what you’ve observed about a situation or colleague, without jumping to the next step of attaching judgements to your observations.
An observation is a neutral statement of fact. One that nearly everyone can agree is true.
For example: The report isn’t finished.
Judgements are opinions about what you’ve observed.
For example: You procrastinated doing the report because you’re disorganized.
The first example leaves room for the other person to offer you new information. Maybe they procrastinated. But perhaps the necessary data for the report didn’t arrive.
Starting with observations instead of judgements gives space for the other person to share alternative possibilities. Or when they don’t feel attacked, they are more likely to admit that they did procrastinate. Then you have an opportunity to explore this habit constructively.
Neutral Doesn’t Mean Unemotional
But what if you are angry that the report isn’t finished?
Sharing how you feel is an observation too. (As long as you’re using “I” statements!)
For example: “When I don’t get the report on time, I feel frustrated because it leaves me unprepared for the board meeting.”
Or even: “I’m frustrated because you told me you’d have it finished by 2pm.”
Expectations and Assumptions
We all arrive in the workplace with different previous working experiences, backgrounds, and family dynamics. So it makes sense that we interpret situations and behaviours differently.
In some workplaces, completing reports on time may be less important than passing information face-to-face. You may interpret a desk covered in papers as disorganized. A different manager might see it as a sign of hard work.
Acknowledge that your expectations are yours alone unless you share them. Is it possible that your employee or colleague is focused on a different priority?
Discuss expectations in advance, or as soon as you notice a possible conflict.
Some examples of setting expectations:
“I need this report by 2pm every Friday to prepare for the board meeting. If I don’t see it by 2, expect me to chase it.”
“Before you go for lunch and at the end of the day, your desk needs to be totally clear of files. I don’t want people to see confidential information on your desk. And we need to make sure the files are always in the correct place, so others don’t have to track them down.”
De-personalize criticism
Focus on behaviours, actions or words rather than the person.
For example, rather than calling someone messy or disorganized, say: “I notice that your desk is often covered in piles of paper during the day and some of these are still out when you leave at night.
Action Impact Statements
A simple formula for offering feedback is starting by describing the other person’s action followed by its impact on you.
Action: I hear you telling the client that the work has been done.
Impact: I feel angry because I know this isn’t true, and I’ll feel stressed scrambling to get this client’s work done quickly.
Reframing
Another way to de-personalize the conflict is to re-frame the problem into an opportunity or a question.
“It’s clear the project isn’t going to be done by the deadline. What do you think would get it back on track?”
“How can we plan this project differently next time, so that we don’t go over deadline?”
Identify Common Ground
Before the conversation, take the time to think about what you and the other person have in common. Come back to this common ground at difficult moments in the conversation.
Examples of common ground:
We’re similar in that we both hate disappointing clients.
We both come from a nonprofit background, where grants are really important.
Express Appreciation
Mention the traits you like in the other person. This shows that this single criticism doesn’t reflect your overall opinion of them.
For example:
I appreciate how you go out of your way to make our clients feel valued.
I think it’s great that you set high goals for our projects. They really inspire everyone to contribute their best.
Body Language
Your tone, gestures, and intonation are as important as your words.
Eye Contact
Are you giving the other person your full attention?
Body Gestures
Are your arms and hands open or crossed?
Facial Expressions
What is being conveyed in your face? Is there constriction or openness?
Posture
Are you leaning into the conversation or away from the conversation? Are you giving the other person enough personal space? Is your posture or position confrontational?
Voice
Does the volume and intensity of your voice match your intention?
Giving Negative Feedback at Work
While nobody enjoys receiving a negative performance review, it’s much easier to bounce back from criticism when it’s delivered constructively.
Using the seven constructive communication skills above can help you achieve the results you want from difficult conversations: a positive shift in behaviour.
When you communicate what is true for you, while being open to learning new information from the other person, you can figure out the best way to move forward together.
Set these goals for every conversation:
- Communicate what is true for you.
- Learn about the other person.
- Preserve the relationship!
Lead with an intention to communicate honestly and preserve the relationship
More on Communication Skills at Work
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