How to Deal With Defensive Coworkers
Defensive colleagues can make work life extremely difficult. You make a simple request or point out a legitimate issue, and suddenly you’re under attack. Walking on eggshells isn’t a long-term solution. But neither is getting drawn into an argument. What’s the best way to deal with defensive coworkers?
The answer involves taking a deep breath and getting curious.
You can disarm defensiveness by asking questions, showing empathy, acknowledging positives, and being accountable for your actions.
This article shows you how to manage defensiveness at work with simple strategies.
How do you know if you’re dealing with defensiveness?
First, you’ll want to be sure you’re actually dealing with defensiveness.
Defensive people respond to criticism by:
- blaming others for their mistakes,
- making excuses,
- bringing up mistakes the other person has made,
- justifying their actions, or
- Denying that the other person feels the way they do.
Why is my coworker defensive?
People behave defensively when they feel upset, ashamed or worried about the consequences of criticism. They’re trying to get rid of these uncomfortable feelings by shifting the blame or conversation focus to someone or something else.
Your colleague might worry about getting in trouble. They may have experienced harsh consequences in other workplaces. Others default to defensiveness because they learned as children that mistakes led to abandonment or punishment. Or they may have learned defensiveness by observing this behaviour from a parent.
On the other hand, it’s possible they’re under a lot of pressure at work – which can feel like an attack. Your criticism is just the last straw.
Finally, it’s worth considering your own communication style. Could you be coming across as aggressive? Are your requests or criticisms fair?
Six Strategies for Handling Defensive Coworkers
The Power of the Pause
The most effective weapon in dealing with defensiveness is to PAUSE (and breathe).
PAUSE after you hear someone speak. Let their words land. Reflect on the information.
When you respond, PAUSE. Let your words land for the other person, without needing to justify or over-explain.
Get Curious
When you notice a colleague is being defensive, it’s time to get curious.
Resist the temptation to react with more evidence about why they’re to blame.
Instead, ask questions to get more details about their point of view. What haven’t you considered about the situation? Why is it upsetting them?
Pause before responding to their answers to show that you’re listening and to digest what they’ve said.
Then paraphrase to demonstrate that you understand. Ask more questions if necessary.
For example:
Can you tell me what I’ve done to upset you? Why is this request so frustrating for you?
Yes, I see how a last-minute request would be frustrating. Especially if you feel like it’s always happening. What are some other times I’ve made last-minute requests?
Show Empathy
Recognize that their feelings of anger, disappointment or fear are real. Even if you don’t feel that you deserve their anger, let them know that you see it.
Instead of:
I’m sorry you feel that way.
Try:
I see that you are really upset about this and resolving it is really important to you. How can we move forward?
Acknowledge
Acknowledge the positive aspects of your colleague.
If you’re talking about a project that hasn’t turned out well, be sure to mention your colleague’s intentions for the project. Presumably they wanted it to succeed as much as you did. Acknowledge your colleague’s efforts and hard work, regardless of the results.
For example:
The spreadsheet you built took a long time and has a lot of value. I know how much effort you put into making our clients happy, and in this case that means presenting the information in a different way that they find easier to understand.
Be Accountable
Just because someone is defensive, doesn’t mean you’re blameless. If you discover through asking questions that you’ve done something wrong, apologize.
For example:
I’m sorry for dropping this request on you last minute. I know you had other work you wanted to do today.
Be Discerning
While it’s important to take responsibility for your actions, be careful that you’re not taking responsibility for your colleague’s feelings or actions. Recognize what is yours and what is theirs.
If you’ve made a genuine effort to understand, acknowledge, and apologize, but your coworker is still angry and defensive, it’s time to get some distance – physically and emotionally.
You can change the way you respond to defensiveness. They are responsible for their defensive behaviour.
For example:
I’m sorry for the last-minute request. But it’s not true that I’m selfish. Usually, I give plenty of notice. In this case, asking you to put your other work on hold was the best option.
Disarming Defensiveness at Work
People lash out defensively, when they feel powerless and at risk of negative consequences.
You can disarm defensiveness through curiosity, empathy and acknowledgement. Asking questions, listening and paraphrasing demonstrate a willingness to understand your colleague’s point of view. Once your colleague no longer feels threatened, your conversation will be more productive.
It’s key to take responsibility for your part in the conflict. But be discerning about taking on too much responsibility for your colleague’s feelings and behaviour. Recognize that you can only change your own behaviour.
Consistently using these strategies will build trust with your coworkers. If they know that you’re genuinely interested in their perspective, and that you’re willing to admit your own mistakes, they’ll be more likely to admit mistakes themselves and express their frustrations directly.
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