Defensive colleagues can make work life extremely difficult. You make a simple request or point out a legitimate issue, and suddenly you’re under attack. Walking on eggshells isn’t a long-term solution. But neither is getting drawn into an argument. What’s the best way to deal with defensive coworkers?
The answer involves taking a deep breath and getting curious.
You can disarm defensiveness by asking questions, showing empathy, acknowledging positives, and being accountable for your actions.
This article shows you how to manage defensiveness at work with simple strategies.
How do you know if you’re dealing with defensiveness?
First, you’ll want to be sure you’re actually dealing with defensiveness.
Defensive people respond to criticism by:
blaming others for their mistakes,
making excuses,
bringing up mistakes the other person has made,
justifying their actions, or
Denying that the other person feels the way they do.
Why is my coworker defensive?
People behave defensively when they feel upset, ashamed or worried about the consequences of criticism. They’re trying to get rid of these uncomfortable feelings by shifting the blame or conversation focus to someone or something else.
Your colleague might worry about getting in trouble. They may have experienced harsh consequences in other workplaces. Others default to defensiveness because they learned as children that mistakes led to abandonment or punishment. Or they may have learned defensiveness by observing this behaviour from a parent.
On the other hand, it’s possible they’re under a lot of pressure at work – which can feel like an attack. Your criticism is just the last straw.
Finally, it’s worth considering your own communication style. Could you be coming across as aggressive? Are your requests or criticisms fair?
Six Strategies for Handling Defensive Coworkers
The Power of the Pause
The most effective weapon in dealing with defensiveness is to PAUSE (and breathe).
PAUSE after you hear someone speak. Let their words land. Reflect on the information.
When you respond, PAUSE. Let your words land for the other person, without needing to justify or over-explain.
Get Curious
When you notice a colleague is being defensive, it’s time to get curious.
Resist the temptation to react with more evidence about why they’re to blame.
Instead, ask questions to get more details about their point of view. What haven’t you considered about the situation? Why is it upsetting them?
Pause before responding to their answers to show that you’re listening and to digest what they’ve said.
Then paraphrase to demonstrate that you understand. Ask more questions if necessary.
For example:
Can you tell me what I’ve done to upset you? Why is this request so frustrating for you?
Yes, I see how a last-minute request would be frustrating. Especially if you feel like it’s always happening. What are some other times I’ve made last-minute requests?
Show Empathy
Recognize that their feelings of anger, disappointment or fear are real. Even if you don’t feel that you deserve their anger, let them know that you see it.
Instead of:
I’m sorry you feel that way.
Try:
I see that you are really upset about this and resolving it is really important to you. How can we move forward?
Acknowledge
Acknowledge the positive aspects of your colleague.
If you’re talking about a project that hasn’t turned out well, be sure to mention your colleague’s intentions for the project. Presumably they wanted it to succeed as much as you did. Acknowledge your colleague’s efforts and hard work, regardless of the results.
For example:
The spreadsheet you built took a long time and has a lot of value. I know how much effort you put into making our clients happy, and in this case that means presenting the information in a different way that they find easier to understand.
Be Accountable
Just because someone is defensive, doesn’t mean you’re blameless. If you discover through asking questions that you’ve done something wrong, apologize.
For example:
I’m sorry for dropping this request on you last minute. I know you had other work you wanted to do today.
Be Discerning
While it’s important to take responsibility for your actions, be careful that you’re not taking responsibility for your colleague’s feelings or actions. Recognize what is yours and what is theirs.
If you’ve made a genuine effort to understand, acknowledge, and apologize, but your coworker is still angry and defensive, it’s time to get some distance – physically and emotionally.
You can change the way you respond to defensiveness. They are responsible for their defensive behaviour.
For example:
I’m sorry for the last-minute request. But it’s not true that I’m selfish. Usually, I give plenty of notice. In this case, asking you to put your other work on hold was the best option.
Disarming Defensiveness at Work
People lash out defensively, when they feel powerless and at risk of negative consequences.
You can disarm defensiveness through curiosity, empathy and acknowledgement. Asking questions, listening and paraphrasing demonstrate a willingness to understand your colleague’s point of view. Once your colleague no longer feels threatened, your conversation will be more productive.
It’s key to take responsibility for your part in the conflict. But be discerning about taking on too much responsibility for your colleague’s feelings and behaviour. Recognize that you can only change your own behaviour.
Consistently using these strategies will build trust with your coworkers. If they know that you’re genuinely interested in their perspective, and that you’re willing to admit your own mistakes, they’ll be more likely to admit mistakes themselves and express their frustrations directly.
Giving negative feedback at work can feel very uncomfortable. But when you have to give performance reviews, or a colleague’s habits are affecting your work, you can’t avoid it. So how do you give negative feedback at work without damaging relationships?
Use these seven simple communication skills to give constructive criticism without making enemies:
I statements
Observe
Clarify
De-personalize
Relate
Appreciate
Non-verbal cues
Read on for the “how tos” of giving negative feedback constructively.
7 Tips for Giving Negative Feedback
Use I Statements
Use “I Statements” rather than “You Statements.” You may have heard this advice before and wondered what difference it makes.
Starting sentences with “I” challenges you to take responsibility for your feelings in a situation. Consider the difference between “I feel angry” and “You made me angry.”
Another reason is that starting critical conversations with “you” sounds like an attack. Before you’ve even finished your sentence, the other person is feeling defensive.
Examples of You Statements
“You’re too loud.”
“You don’t think about anyone but yourself.”
“You didn’t do what I asked.”
A person’s natural response to attack is to defend themselves. Instead of feeling open to finding solutions or changing their behaviour, they may deny a problem exists or put the blame back on you.
Examples of I statements
“I can’t concentrate when you’re talking loudly on the phone.”
“I felt embarrassed to be copied into that email.”
“I’m wondering why the report isn’t finished.”
“I statements” invite the other person to consider how their behaviour makes you feel. Sharing your feelings first extends an olive branch in what might be an awkward conversation. They have a chance to say that they weren’t aware that their behaviour was having this effect.
Usually, it’s more difficult for the other person to argue back about an I statement. After all, you’re the only one who knows if you’re finding it hard to concentrate or how you felt about that email.
How NOT to Make I Statements
Don’t use your “I statement” as a sneaky way to assign blame. The point is taking responsibility for your feelings.
For example: “I can’t stand the way you talk to clients.” “I’m shocked you’d write such a thoughtless email.”
Both start with “I.” But they still come out as attacks, blaming the other person for your feelings.
Responding well to attacking statements
Sometimes the other person will try to deny your feelings in an effort to defend themselves.
They might say say you’re being too sensitive, or that an event shouldn’t make you feel angry or embarrassed.
Statements like this are dismissive. Handle them by drawing attention to them.
“When you call me sensitive, I actually feel more upset.”
“What’s the point of telling me not to feel embarrassed when I do?”
Observe, Don’t Judge
Share what you’ve observed about a situation or colleague, without jumping to the next step of attaching judgements to your observations.
An observation is a neutral statement of fact. One that nearly everyone can agree is true.
For example: The report isn’t finished.
Judgements are opinions about what you’ve observed.
For example: You procrastinated doing the report because you’re disorganized.
The first example leaves room for the other person to offer you new information. Maybe they procrastinated. But perhaps the necessary data for the report didn’t arrive.
Starting with observations instead of judgements gives space for the other person to share alternative possibilities. Or when they don’t feel attacked, they are more likely to admit that they did procrastinate. Then you have an opportunity to explore this habit constructively.
Neutral Doesn’t Mean Unemotional
But what if you are angry that the report isn’t finished?
Sharing how you feel is an observation too. (As long as you’re using “I” statements!)
For example: “When I don’t get the report on time, I feel frustrated because it leaves me unprepared for the board meeting.”
Or even: “I’m frustrated because you told me you’d have it finished by 2pm.”
Expectations and Assumptions
We all arrive in the workplace with different previous working experiences, backgrounds, and family dynamics. So it makes sense that we interpret situations and behaviours differently.
In some workplaces, completing reports on time may be less important than passing information face-to-face. You may interpret a desk covered in papers as disorganized. A different manager might see it as a sign of hard work.
Acknowledge that your expectations are yours alone unless you share them. Is it possible that your employee or colleague is focused on a different priority?
Discuss expectations in advance, or as soon as you notice a possible conflict.
Some examples of setting expectations:
“I need this report by 2pm every Friday to prepare for the board meeting. If I don’t see it by 2, expect me to chase it.”
“Before you go for lunch and at the end of the day, your desk needs to be totally clear of files. I don’t want people to see confidential information on your desk. And we need to make sure the files are always in the correct place, so others don’t have to track them down.”
De-personalize criticism
Focus on behaviours, actions or words rather than the person.
For example, rather than calling someone messy or disorganized, say: “I notice that your desk is often covered in piles of paper during the day and some of these are still out when you leave at night.
Action Impact Statements
A simple formula for offering feedback is starting by describing the other person’s action followed by its impact on you.
Action: I hear you telling the client that the work has been done.
Impact: I feel angry because I know this isn’t true, and I’ll feel stressed scrambling to get this client’s work done quickly.
Reframing
Another way to de-personalize the conflict is to re-frame the problem into an opportunity or a question.
“It’s clear the project isn’t going to be done by the deadline. What do you think would get it back on track?”
“How can we plan this project differently next time, so that we don’t go over deadline?”
Identify Common Ground
Before the conversation, take the time to think about what you and the other person have in common. Come back to this common ground at difficult moments in the conversation.
Examples of common ground:
We’re similar in that we both hate disappointing clients.
We both come from a nonprofit background, where grants are really important.
Express Appreciation
Mention the traits you like in the other person. This shows that this single criticism doesn’t reflect your overall opinion of them.
For example:
I appreciate how you go out of your way to make our clients feel valued.
I think it’s great that you set high goals for our projects. They really inspire everyone to contribute their best.
Body Language
Your tone, gestures, and intonation are as important as your words.
Eye Contact
Are you giving the other person your full attention?
Body Gestures
Are your arms and hands open or crossed?
Facial Expressions
What is being conveyed in your face? Is there constriction or openness?
Posture
Are you leaning into the conversation or away from the conversation? Are you giving the other person enough personal space? Is your posture or position confrontational?
Voice
Does the volume and intensity of your voice match your intention?
Giving Negative Feedback at Work
While nobody enjoys receiving a negative performance review, it’s much easier to bounce back from criticism when it’s delivered constructively.
Using the seven constructive communication skills above can help you achieve the results you want from difficult conversations: a positive shift in behaviour.
When you communicate what is true for you, while being open to learning new information from the other person, you can figure out the best way to move forward together.
Set these goals for every conversation:
Communicate what is true for you.
Learn about the other person.
Preserve the relationship!
Lead with an intention to communicate honestly and preserve the relationship
The way we resolve conflict in the workplace often reflects our early childhood experiences. People tend to handle disagreements with one of four conflict styles at work: competing, avoiding, accommodating, or collaborating.
(Thomas and Killman originally proposed 5 styles, but I find four is enough for most situations!)
Here I’ll share examples of how people perceive and respond to conflict using the four main conflict management styles. You’ll also learn how to be more intentional about resolving conflict at work – particularly with co-workers or managers that have a different style than yours.
The Competitive Conflict Style
Conflict Styles at Work: Competitive people want to “win” arguments.
Characteristics of a Competing Style
People with a competitive conflict style:
Aren’t afraid of conflict
Like to “win” arguments
Believe there’s a right or wrong to most situations
Want to convince the other person that their view is right
Often seem aggressive
Fail to hear the other person’s point of view
Aren’t exercising empathy
Example of a Competitive Conflict Style
Jyoti is a young lawyer with a sharp intellect and strong ambitions. Her clients would say that is tireless in fighting for them in court.
In the law office, Jyoti organizes lunch-and-learns for colleagues and clients. Her colleague Brad agreed to speak about copyright issues a few months ago, but now wants to present on accessibility.
Jyoti reacts with anger when Brad tells her his intention. Throughout the week she sends daily emails reiterating her frustration that he is letting down the quality of the lunch-and-learns. If Brad doesn’t reply to the emails, Jyoti comes to his office to make her point in person.
Brad finally agrees to speak on copyright, but he’s decided not to participate in the Lunch-and-Learn program again.
Advantages of Using a Competing Style
A competitive approach is appropriate when you’re trying to out-maneuver a competing business, overcome marketplace challenges, or win a court case.
It’s also valuable in situations where you need to take immediate action.
People in leadership roles in competitive workplaces may need to be assertive and persuasive to get their points across.
Disadvantages of using a Competing Style
In the example above, Brad is so frustrated with Jyoti’s aggressive attempts to persuade him that he decides to give in for now, but avoid working with her in future.
Using a competitive approach comes with a high risk of damaging relationships.
In addition, when a person focuses solely on winning, they’re likely to miss seeing alternative solutions and perspectives.
If You Have a Competing Conflict Style
You probably learned to handle conflict this way by observing others earlier in your life or career. It may even have been an advantage in previous situations. If it’s not an advantage now, you can adapt your approach.
Recognize what you’re losing when you focus only on winning:
Alternative solutions that may be as good or better than yours.
Valuable relationships with clients and colleagues
Respect in the workplace
What you can do
If you are competitive in arguments or have a habit of interrupting others while they are speaking, practice:
Slow, deep breathing.
Listening without interruption.
Listening to the emotion beneath the words rather than debating each point.
If You Work with a Competitive Person
Interacting with a person who has a competitive style can be stressful. The next time you find yourself on the receiving end of an aggressive argument, take these steps.
Listen to the competitive person.
Summarize and paraphrase their request or position.
Say: “Now that I have understood your point of view, I’d like you to listen to mine. Are you willing to hear mewithout interrupting?”
When you finish sharing, ask: “What do you understand from what I said?”
The Avoiding Conflict Style
Conflict styles at work: Conflict avoiders pretend nothing is wrong until they explode.
Characteristics of an Avoiding Conflict Style
A person who uses an Avoidant Style:
Seems withdrawn
Delays or avoids responding
Diverts attention from the conflict
Suppresses emotion
Is inaccessible on email, or for meetings
Pretends nothing is wrong until they explode
Reacts with silence
Appears to agree but doesn’t follow through
Is unavailable for meetings or conversations
Causes of an Avoiding Conflict Style
People who avoid conflict have often had adverse experiences with conflict in the past. They may experience fear, anxiety, and stress when faced with conflict.
Example of Avoiding Conflict
Trevor’s manager reacts to most problems by shouting and swearing. The manager would say he’s just venting and not angry at anyone in particular, but Trevor dreads these outbursts.
Recently, he and his manager have been copied into a lot of emails about issues with a project. He can tell when his manager opens each email by the swearing that erupts from his office.
At work, Trevor handles this trying to deal with each issue as quickly as possible, so that his manager has less to be angry about. At home, Trevor has a short fuse, erupting whenever the kids make noise or his wife asks him “too many” questions. He’s been getting heart palpitations, and waking up a lot during the night.
Advantages of Avoiding Conflict
It’s best to avoid conflict when your physical safety is at risk.
You should also avoid addressing conflict when you’re emotionally charged. Wait until you’ve calmed down, and can trust yourself to approach the situation more collaboratively.
Disadvantages of Avoiding Conflict
The main problem with avoiding conflict is that the conflict doesn’t go away; in many cases, it worsens.
At best, the person avoiding conflict ends up doing more than their share and increasingly feels resentful. Often a conflict avoider take out their frustrations on their families, or by engaging in unhealthy behaviour, such as drinking or eating too much.
Avoiding conflict with a competitive person may draw increased abuse or bullying.
What to Do if You Have an Avoiding Conflict Style
Recognize that you may be avoiding conflict because of unprocessed experiences from your past. The trouble is that suppressed emotions from our past often complicate relationships in the present, making conflict seem worse than it is.
Messages from the Body
Notice how your body reacts to conflict, or when you imagine confronting a colleague about an issue.
Unpleasant emotions like sadness, fear, anger, hurt, disappointment, or frustration often have a constrictive quality. When we repress them, this energy often gets stored in our muscles: shoulders, neck, our jaw (teeth clenching or grinding). We can also trap emotions in the nervous system, causing digestive issues or other illnesses.
Expressing Emotions Safely
Here are some activities that can help you feel more comfortable with conflict.
Meditation, yoga and journaling increase your awareness of emotions and physical responses that you may be ignoring.
Use cardio exercise and stretching to release muscle tension.
Engage in breathing practices that harmonize the nervous system. For example, take a few long, slow deep breaths to help calm the nerves, slow your heart rate and access all parts of your brain.
Try somatic practices, such as Yoga,to restore balance between the mind and body.
Over time, you’ll find it easier to separate emotions that stem from the past from those directly related to the present conflict.
What to Do if You Work with a Conflict Avoider
Ask open-ended questions in a sincere and gentle tone. This helps conflict avoiders express their concerns in a way that feels safe.
Examples of Open-Ended Questions
What are you thinking right now?
How do you feel about your work these days?
I’m noticing a change in your expression as I talk about bringing [another colleague] on to this project. I’d like to know what you think they might bring or not bring to the project?
The Accommodating Conflict Style
Conflict styles at work: People with an accommodating style usually “give in” to arguments.
Characteristics of the Accommodating Style
A person who uses an accommodating approach:
Seems agreeable and supportive
Gives in to arguments
Always says ‘Yes’ to requests
Is very concerned about maintaining relationships
Values approval from others
Wants to fit in and conform with group opinion
Causes of the Accommodating Conflict Style
Similar to a person who avoids conflict, an accommodating person probably experienced negative outcomes from conflict while growing up, or earlier in their career. Subconsciously, they decided that it was safer to agree with the other person or work around difficulties than to confront them.
An Example of Handling Conflict by Accommodating
On Friday, Linh’s boss asks her to create a presentation for a meeting early Monday morning. Since Linh has other deadlines today, she’ll have to find time to do this on the weekend.
On Monday night, Linh’s boss texts her at 8pm to ask about some numbers in the presentation. Linh logs into the company website and texts her back with the information. On Wednesday evening at 6, Linh’s boss texts to find out which staff will be attending a conference next week. Linh checks her email and sends her boss the list.
Linh’s husband is frustrated that Linh regularly interrupts their evening activities with work. devices at the dinner table. Linh wants her boss to know that she has everything under control.
Advantages
Using an accommodating approach can be useful at the beginning of a relationship when you are trying to establish trust and camaraderie.
If a relationship is balanced – when both parties engage in this kind of generosity – accommodating isn’t necessarily a problem. You might choose to be accommodating when the consequences to you are minor.
Disadvantages
When one person has more power over the other – as in the example with Linh and her boss – accommodating can become a problem. This is also true when one person defaults to accommodating and the other is a competitive type.
The danger is that small requests may evolve into increasingly time-consuming demands. Eventually the accommodating person becomes overwhelmed and resentful. When they finally have to say No to a request, the boss or competitive person may feel the person is difficult or selfish.
What to Do If You Have an Accommodating Conflict Style
Recognize the fears you may have about disappointing others. In instances of conflict, ask yourself what’s at stake if you say No. What are you worried will happen? Is this realistic?
Notice how you feel after saying “Yes” to requests. Are you totally comfortable, or do you feel some fear or even resentment about agreeing?
Acknowledge that the first time you set boundaries or say No, it will feel scary. This doesn’t mean that saying No was a bad choice – only that setting a boundary may be triggering old fears of disapproval or abandonment.
Practicing Boundaries: Saying No
Here are some scripts to try in common situations.
“I’d like to help you with that, but that means I won’t be able to finish X and Y. Which would you like me to prioritize?”
“Got your text. I’ll send you the info when I’m back in the office.”
“I’m not available in the evenings.”
Working with Someone Who is Accomodating
It might seem like a dream to have an accommodating employee or co-worker. But if the person is building up resentment, or not sharing their honest opinion for fear of consequences, it’s a problem.
Try saying: “Does this deadline work for you?”
“Are there any problems I’m not considering with this project? Please let me know, because I’d like to be sure I’m considering all the angles.”
The Collaborating Conflict Style
Conflict styles at work: A collaborative person invites other views before offering solutions.
Characteristics of a Collaborating Conflict Style
A person with a collaborating conflict style:
Openly share their views and any challenges they’re experiencing
Doesn’t offer a solution immediately
Invites others to share their views and challenges
Prioritizes finding creative solutions
Values relationship
Example of a Collaborating Style
Nived’s quarterly report is due at the end of the week. But onboarding three new employees has taken so much time this week that he doesn’t think he’ll be able to finish in time.
He decides to tell his boss that he’s worried about meeting the deadline. After listening, Nived’s boss says that what she really needs by Friday are the monthly sales totals. She suggests that Nived send her this data from the spreadsheet, and take care of the rest of the report the following week.
Advantages of Managing Conflict by Collaborating
There are several advantages to solving workplace conflict using a collaborative style:
Expressing your needs avoids resentment later.
Colleagues feel valued when they are included in problem-solving.
Considering multiple viewpoints often leads to better solutions overall.
Disadvantages
A collaborative style doesn’t work when:
It’s necessary to take action quickly
Safety (physical or emotional) could be compromised
When the other party is abusive and unable/unwilling to collaborate
How to Use A Collaborating Style
A collaborating style only works when both parties are open to considering new options and viewpoints. While it can be tempting to present a “good compromise” at the beginning of the discussion, this is not collaborating.
Start the discussion by stating the facts of the problem and then express your concerns.
Ask the other person if they agree with your summary of the problem.
Invite them to share possible solutions that would solve the problem and address your concerns.
In the example, Nived starts by expressing concern about meeting an upcoming deadline. Instead of immediately asking for an extension, he leaves space for his boss to offer an alternative solution that also meets her needs.
In this case, she needed only a small section of the report immediately. But if she had needed the entire report, she might have suggested other alternatives, such as assigning another employee to onboard new staff, or to take over the report this month.
Collaborating means that you don’t arrive with your own solution. Instead, you arrive with a problem and leave space for everyone involved to come up with solutions.
Handling Multiple Conflict Styles at Work
Paying attention to the different conflict styles at work can improve relationships.
Working relationships begin to fall apart when the stress of conflict creates a gap. There might only be a small gap in understanding or in agreement. But if neither has the skills to bridge the gap, it feels enormous. Unfortunately, that sense of estrangement from one another can widen with time.
Approach Conflict with Curiosity
Make an effort to observe your own approach to conflict. Is it competing, avoiding, or accommodating? Do you collaborate? As much as possible, try to make this observation without passing judgment. Remember that you probably learned to default to this style because it was advantageous to you in early life.
Bring the same curiosity to your colleagues. What kind of conflict style do they use? What emotions might be at play for them? While you can’t change their style, understanding it can help you work with their style more skillfully.
Use somatic (body-based) tools to increase your self-awareness. Mindfulness practices can help you to notice emotions that arise in conflict before you react. Over time, this will help you to change your habitual responses.
Practicing Conflict Management
Managing conflict is a skill that takes practice. At first, it feels awkward and uncomfortable. As you continue to practice, it gets easier and feels more natural.
Conflict doesn’t disappear once we get skillful in handling conflict. However, it becomes less stressful.
When we accept conflict as a normal part of human relationships, conflict can be an opportunity to clarify where there is confusion and generate appreciation for diversity and variety. Instead of signifying a breakdown in a relationship, conflict can widen perspective, create understanding and enhance relationships.
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